Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Witch Post is this Even?
Stray blood was usually a sign that something was coming, out there in the sands. Either a wild animal looking for food who smelled it on the wind or a pack, human or otherwise sweeping the area for wounded prey. In that cave deep in the wastes, it was something a little different. The blood, hastily drawn out in patterns that could only be described as occult blurred in the dust. A short, brown haired girl in a dirty shift double checked the pattern against the piece of paper, a page torn out of a book, smudging the edges with the bloody fingers she used to draw. The goat she "borrowed" the blood from lay over to the side, dead and starting the fast process of putrefying in the desert climate.
"Oh d-dark ones, l-lingerers in the shadows, grant me audience this m-moonless night!"
A glow, blood turning from a muddy-red to a shimmering blue, sparking a little at the imperfections but otherwise shining to life in the cave. A wind, blowing out the torch, the blue light all that remained to cast light shadows. From the entrance a teal glow flowed into the room, knee deep, and coalesced in the center of the diagram. A sharp intake of breath as the light grew more solid, piling up into a pillar of ethereal flesh, a column with faces plastered around the whole surface. Shivers, only a little from the chill of the light-water now only around her ankles.
"Mmmm. . .Who Calls. . .the Ancient Ones. You, little girl?" The eyes of each face focusing on the shivering, bedraggled form facing them, voices speaking almost in unison as if each face a part of a monotone choir.
"Y-yes!"
"For what. . .Purpose. . .would you Call Us?"
"Revenge! Those b-bastards who k-killed my mum and d-dad!"
"So you. . .Seek. . .the Power to. . .kill them?" She nods, warmed by the fires in her eyes. "You know the. . .Price. . ." their eyes shift towards the goat "that you Must. . .Pay. . .for our Help? Or are you. . .Just. . .Another. . .Dabbler. . .like most Witches. . .of Late?"
Her form slumps a bit, biting her lip as she thinks. "I, uh, I knew th-that there would be a c-c-catch to it. I have to do sssomething, right? Sacrifice more g-goats?"
The column pauses, looking her over for a minute, watching her eyes dart from face to face, not quite sure of where to look. "Perhaps. . .Though. . .it Depends on. . .Who. . .Exactly. . .you wish to. . .Punish. . .and Why. . .you turn. . .to Us."
"W-what?"
"Which. . .heh. . .of Our. . .Number. . .will Help you. . .will determine. . .the cost. Only Those who. . .Want. . .to Help. . .will set Themselves as. . .a Burden. . .on Your. . .Shoulders and. . .Lend you. . .their. . .Aid."
"B-but you will help, r-right!?" The flame in her eyes flickering, less intense, pleading.
"There Will. . .be Some. Each. . .Cause. . .will find. . .Sympathy. . .Or. . .Greed. . .in Some of. . .Us. Tell us. . .More. . .to determine. . .Who Answers. . .Your. . .Call."
"It w-was the Horsemen!" A snarl of rage. "Th-they rode into our c-camp. S-s-slaughtering e-everyone." She looks down, sadness and a bit of terror creeping into her voice. "I w-was g-getting water at th-th-the oasis and h-hid."
"The. . .Sons and. . .Daughters. . .of the Wastes. . . Who are. . .raised to. . .Pillage and. . .Destroy." The column shifts, some faces coming to the forefront and other drifting out back down the stream out of the cave. Eventually a small pillar of faces stands in the center of the room, diminished to the same height as the small girl. "We. .know of. .the. .barbaric ways. .they follow. .and will. .answer. .your call. Reach out. .your. .hand."
She does, the pillar moving forward and engulfs her arm, flowing up her arm, shoulders, neck, and seeping into her brown hair, now more of a teal than a brown. The flow of light recedes from the cave, the blood once again a muddy brown and the only light radiating from her hair and a pale teal goat-figure standing over its body, bleating at it.
"You have. .formed. .a. .contract. We are. .one. .now." The voice muffled from the hair it comes from. "Take. .responsibility for. .your actions. .and bring him. ."a teal hair raises up and points at the goat "with you. .so that he. .may see. .the results. .of his own. .sacrifice."
"Y-yes. But, um, that was a she- goat."
". . . .well. .we were. .not herders. .in our. .lives. .that much. .should be. .clear." The hair chuckles to itself.
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Nice concept. I like getting right into the business of blood revenge and filling in the details later. Or, i guess, rather, i'd like in the second sentence or so if girl's motivations where dropped in there before all the confusing occult summoning business. Otherwise, i'm wondering why i'm reading that involved summoning atmosphere creation, and whether i should keep reading. Give me a little motivation to go on.
ReplyDeleteComma after "wind", before "or". Makes a difference in speed of reading.
Why does she say "dark ones" when they're anything but dark?
You say she's "borrowed" the blood from the goat: does she not know the difference between life and death? Or is she callous to the goat's fate? You're hinting at something that would be more interesting if more clear.
You should ignore words like 'shift'. Nobody speaks like that. It places a distance between the reader and the story as memory has to hunt around, find the term, pull in the historic context, there is a mental pause, kind of a speed bump in the reading. Since this story doesn't take place in any historic place the reader will be familiar with, you aren't enhancing the story with that vocabulary.
The . dots . in the . responses, they work well for the first two sentences to characterize the distance and otherness between the blue pillar and the girl, but then it becomes tedious. You need a transitional mechanism that lets you leave that off after establishing the effect. The rather stilted blue pillar syntax actually keeps that going. And you've picked up that a tone of familiar address is also effective in establishing the varying social positions of girl and blue pillar, so that works.
I'd like to see some hint of what kind of further sacrifice she is going to have to make. Also, something about, well, the ecological niche that the blue pillar fills. Yeah, ancient and gone into the cloud or something, but to be further interested in the story i need to find out something about their dynamic. Is this a civilization on the way up? A sleazy offshoot of a more honorable, in general, civilization? A bunch of adolescents on alien spring break? An essential ecology balancing body? You should look into Cordwainer Smith's Instrumentality of Mankind for a well thought out and complex example of a powerful intelligent otherness. (In Smith's case it wasn't as exotic as a blue pillar.) One thing i liked was that the pillar responded sort of like a crowd to a bloody accident, but then sorted itself out into individuals. That's a good effect, and could be slightly extended in this sketch to provide some of the info i'm looking for.
All in all good structure, builds to a point. Acquires substance, and the pillar acquires some character. Needs a spark at the end to show whether this is all there is, or if i need to keep reading to see the results of the revenge and the unfolding of ... well, exactly what?
A good fragment to now use to figure out who and what this girl represents, and what this pillar is in the world you are creating. Another pass through this fragment straightening out any misconceptions, and adding a few clarifications and i think you could go right ahead with the next scene. I can sort of imagine it now.
Not herders? Potters, or musicians?
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