Flat and featureless a great plain,
stretched to the horizon.
White sheets track a wandering trail
we cannot keep eyes on.
Far ahead the lone man wanders
searching the blank canvas
for the setting sun in its nest,
eyes dripping with sadness.
Where rests the evening phoenix bright
that once flew south to him?
Where nests his summer lover fair,
fled here as if by whim?
He walks for days, or months, or years.
Yet still the darkened gloom
pervades the air with stale despair.
The plain is there his tomb.
His tracks erase behind his path
no sooner heartbeat cease.
His final breath takes at last,
yet still he has no peace.
In spectral form he floats e're on,
his journey not complete.
A chill sticks firm to his clear skin.
The sun he can not meet.
Some say those lover's destiny
is not to reunite,
but if his flaming love can reach
her soul will surely light.
A streaming pillar shooting up
to heaven with rebirth,
their souls entwined in passion's flame.
A phoenix born on earth.
But we no more can see his trail,
can follow through the snow
no more. So back we
to our work;
forget his tale of woe.
Reading these last two poems: Much the same general theme, but these two read quite differently. Wilderness: has more definite fire imagery; casts more light on process of memory; wraps around a personal reconciliation. Phoenix: has a great image of the snow covered plain and paths which we're familiar with; ties the daily (winter) familiar scene with a larger quest; interesting and unexpected personal reconciliation. With Wilderness the phrases seem natural and free of awkward transitions. Phoenix has some contrived or obvious prose "The plain is there his tomb", "darkened gloom", "searching the blank canvas", "fled here", which damp down the image. The basic images, context and story all work really well. I feel like some small changes could clarify them and bring more life, sparkle, into it.
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